Doodlebugger

Exploring the Marine Doodlebug

The common marine doodlebug (Scientific name; Aquarius Superstupidicus) has long been an enigma to scientitist. Years of hard study and observations (from a safe distance, naturally) by scientists in the field have resulted in a multitude of theories and quite a few facts about this amazing insect. Dating back to the first known discovery of the parasite, about 1945, the compiled body of data is now large enough to make this report possible.

The marine doodlebug lives on a boat, or hive, and travels all over the seven seas. They seem to have no special preference to cold or hot water. It seems that there is no definite pattern to the course of the hive, they may run in a straight line for miles and miles, then suddenly make a complete circle, return to the same spot, only to continue of on another long straight line. This erratic behaviour has suggested some theories: Dr. F. F. Fielding, a well known doodlebugolist, belivies that they are lost and are searching for their nests. The most widely-held theory asserts that the hive is in search of a mate. This has partly been confirmed, since certain parts of the year a large number of them can be spotted within the same areas. It is also believed that they are developing very slowly, since old reports only spotted them with one tail, but the last 10 years or so they have seemed to develope a multitude of tails.

Behind the hive is a tail about two miles long (As mentioned above, some have shorter or longer tails, and lately some of them have a multitide of tails). The doodlebugs drag the tail behind the hive nearly all the time. Is has been observed, however, that when threatened by rough seas or a flock of shrimp boats, the hive will back up quickly and recover its tail, only to let it out again slowly when the danger has passed. Scientist theorize that the tail is very sensitive and vulnerable. The doodlebugs lay 8 , 10, or 16 metallic objects alongside the hive just under the surface of water. Air escapes from these devices every 8 to 10 seconds making a horrible and monotous noise. There are three possible explanations for the activity surrounding these metallic objects (which we shall call "guns"):

1. The noise is made to scare away enemies,

2. The noise is used to attract attention to their pretty tail, and most commonly accepted;

3. It is a mating call to other hives in the area.

The actual mating ov hives has never been observerd, but here again, theories abound. Is is most commonly believed that when the hives go to port (Usually every 4 to 5 weeks), the mating takes place in the darkness of the night. This is commonly substantiated by the observation that from time to time a new hive appears at a port and goes out to sea, just like it's parents.

Now hat we have desected the doodlebug hive and it's mobility habits, we shall investigate the insect itself. Doodlebug society is divided into three basic groups. There is a fourth category, but this groups is known as the "ships crew" and since these critters have a even lower degree of intelligence, they are not known nor classified as doodlebugs.

At the top of the doodlebug hierarchy is the Party Manager or the Chief. Analogous to the queen bee, this insect is generally known for its piercing cry and evil disposition. He wanders aimlessly from one part of the hive to another and is easily spotted by his repetitious muttering "production, production". He is in charge of the hive and the three basic groups therein. The Chief is hard to keep in captivity, and must be treated with great care and caution.

The first basic group in the hive is the navigation clan, consisting of insects known as navigators (or "naviguessors"). These insects are responsible for the direction and speed of hive travel. Because of the lack of consistency of directon, and because the hive always appears to be lost, they are considered to be of low intelligence. However, it has been noted than when new hives are hatched, former naviguessors are often seen as new Party Chiefs. Maybe this is a part of the learning cycle, nothing has been proved. Or another theory, when the naviguessor totally loose track of where he is, he can only by used as Party Chief. But the law says, "Once a naviguessor, always a naviguessor".

The second classification of doodlebug is the mechanic or "gun grunt". The gun grunts main responsibility is to ensure that the guns continue to produce the monotous sounds. The gun grunt has a short life ecpectancy, and can easily be picked out in a hive by his greasy clothes and lingering aroma of #2 diesel oil. The gun grunt is much like the worker ant, but is considered to have a higher degree of intelligence, and he is of great importance to the species, if the gun noise is indeed used to attract a mate as is theorized.

Now we come to the third group of doodlebug - and the least known of them all - the observer "obscurver". The only outside activity that the observer has been witnessed taking a part in is the laying out and retraction of the tail. These insects are responsible for the tail and work feverishly to keep it looking pretty and sexy. Most of the time however, the tail is in the water and these insecst disappear into the hive and are rarely seen. Through modern equipment and research techniques, it has been learned that the observer goes to a room with no windows and this explains why so little is known of their inside work. The seem to perform some sort of bizarre ritual with machinery, and prefer this to the harsh light of day. Pale and wan, this insect seems to be the most intelligent in the hive (on part with the average amoeba)

So there you have an idea of the interesting but somewhat boring society of the doodlebug. Science has yet to find a place in life for the doodlebug, and the purpose of their existence is not apparent. They have no known function other than to breed. If bitten by this bug, you may experience a desire to forsake your family, go to sea for incredible lengths of time, and perform a tiring ritual known as cable party. People try to control the doodlebug by refusing to cash their checks, and by not allowing them to enter local taverns or pubs. As time goes by scientists will continue to study the doodlebug and the course they take. Perhaps eventually we will find out if there is a pattern to their running here and there. Maybe there is a reason for their existence. Maybe we'll find out why they stick their tails out just to have them ripped off, and then spend hour after hour repairing the damage. And maybe - just maybe - the intelligence of the doodlebug will surpass the stupidity of its existence. Only time will tell.....................

1.
doodlebugger
Term for field seismic personnel. Differentiated from a roughneck by their actual coarseness and ability to really kick your ass. Doodlebuggers search out oil, natural gas, and other precious commodities the world around by exciting the ground with explosives, drop weights, and more often than not pieces of specialized heavy equipment called *cough* vibrators. They work in the most extreme climates, brave the most dangerous countries, and suffer some of the worst wages in the oil and gas industry. Most importantly, doodlebuggers are renowned for their ability to drink massive amounts of alcohol without dying and to find hookers in any city, village or hamlet in the world. Doodlebuggers often work in camps in the middle of nowhere, and are rarely seen in their natural environment. Easily identified by their pot bellies and lack of shaving. They tell the BEST stories.

Me bloggas :-)